i carry your heart with me(and i think i've misplaced my own)

by e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

_______________________________

^^This is definitely one of my favorite poems. I love the emotion that is conveyed through this poem and the way that cummings  writes about how we can "carry" someones heart with us everywhere we go (lines 1-3). On the flipside, it kind of makes me think about who is carrying my heart right now(hence the title of this post). Whenever I move to a new place, there are people and places and things that I miss and if I'm not careful, it's a little to easy to dwell on that which isn't and miss out on that which now is.

and then i start to ponder(or maybe it's more like

wander:through that endless mental abyss, 

labyrinth, really)of times and places and faces 

now past(memories fading as they darken)

and through these mental meanderings (onward

through the marshlands i trudge) i arrive again

at the beginning:the first and final question: 

who is holding my heart?

am i grasping it between knuckles(white

with tension)? did i misplace it in that drawer 

(beneath the disheveled papers)? or was it

tossed away carelessly long ago?(i don't

really know) but i know One who knows

all(and this is my comfort)

Whenever I start to get into this train of thought, the caboose always comes down to the idea that the one who should be (and is) holding my heart is the same One who holds the universe in the palm of His hand. His name is YHWH. Do you know Him?

When You said: "Seek my face," my heart said to You, "Your face, O LORD, I shall seek." Psalm 27:8

Alaska: Anchorage, Aniak, and Arrival in Fairbanks

Aniak, Alaska

Dear Friends and Family,

As many of you know, I'm in Alaska again this summer before I head to graduate school at University of Hawaii starting in July. I will be working at the same camp where I worked last summer, Bingle Camp, but on the way to Fairbanks I stopped to visit some missionaries who work with a remote Native Alaskan tribe in Aniak, Alaska. There are still 200+ unreached villages in the northern Alaska and Canadian Yukon areas. Right now I'm investigating the possiblity of working and living in one of these unreached communities as a bivocational ministry and a way to open the door for other missionaries to enter the community.

"Isn't Alaska cold?" you say? Yep, during the winter it can get really cold but personal comfort is no excuse to stifle the spread of the Gospel. I'm open to wherever God leads me so please pray that I would be attentive to His voice and follow Him.

Here is a quick update on my summer adventures thus far:

San Diego to Anchorage

     I packed up my things on Sunday afternoon and on Monday morning (5/16/2011) I headed to the San Diego airport. A couple of plane changes later, I found myself in Anchorage, Alaska. I spent the night with some friends who graduated from SDCC so it was nice to be able to visit and catch up with them. Tuesday morning I was back at the airport in Anchorage, ready to fly to Aniak.

Anchorage to Aniak

     Aniak is a remote village in Alaska. There are no roads that go there, so the only way to Aniak is to fly or take a boat on the river during the few summer months. Aniak is primarily a Native Alaskan community, with a very small percentage of Christians. There are two missionary families who are working to build the small church there and share the Gospel with the people of Aniak. I met one of the missionary families, the Zimmermans, while they were at the missions conference at my school (San Diego Christian College) during this past February. 

     Aniak is probably the smallest airport that I have flown into. Ever. It's also probably the smallest town that I have been to. Ever. There are a whole 3 stop signs in the town (no stoplights though). All of the roads are gravel and dirt and there is one store in the town. The prices in the store are incredibly high because all of the goods must be flown into town.

     The Zimmermans have been in Aniak for 5 years now. They live in a small house nestled in between a few other houses at the end of one of the gravel roads. If you walk into the family room, you will see a the skin of a black bear hanging from the wall. Mr. Zimmerman shot the bear and they ate it last winter. Yep, definitely Alaskan. Other than that though, the Zimmermans are really just a normal people living out what every Christian is called to do: obey Christ and share the Gospel. I stayed with the Zimmermans Tuesday through Thursday of this week and it was neat to see firsthand what everyday life is like for missionaries in a remote Native Alaskan village.

     Before I left for Alaska, I had asked some of you to pray because the river in Aniak was still frozen and the water level was extrememly high so they were worried about flooding. The ice on the river two villages upstream broke and flooded the villages and there was a possiblity that the river would break while I was in Aniak. God answers prayer. The ice on the river broke and cleared completely on Monday night and somehow the water had flowed out from under the ice so there was no flooding. Praise God!!! Let me know if you want to hear any other stories about Aniak. The attached picture is of the river in Aniak.

Aniak to Fairbanks

     Today I flew from Aniak to Fairbanks. The camp I will be working with doesn't start until the beginning of June, so until then I will be helping with office work and registration for the camp. Two of my friends from last summer met me at the airport and we went out to ice cream afterward. It's nice to be back again. Once camp starts, I will be helping with arts and crafts and doing photography. I'm stoked.

Thanks for taking the time to read this update and please continue to keep me in your prayers. Please pray:

     - For the Zimmerman family as they continue to be a light for God in Aniak.

     - For the ministry of Bingle Camp.

     - That I would love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and love others (Matthew 22:37-39).

"You do not test the resources of God till you try the impossible." --F.B. Meyer

A Meditation

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14


This is my prayer, but God, I am sinful...how is it possible to please You? My heart is deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9). Nothing good dwells in me (Romans 7:18). Everyone falls short of your glory (Romans 3:23).


Thoughts of doubt and discouragement invade my mind like a thick fog enveloping the trees of a forest shrouded in darkness. As I wander through the woods, the dead leaves crunch beneath the weight of my feet.

What's that?


A bird screeches as it soars away from the limb of the tree where it was perched and off into the night sky. The sky is dark now. There is no moon, no clouds, the only light tonight is from the stars: tiny dots millions of miles away in the universe...far away. 


I know what it's like to feel far away. Alone. Lost. Helpless. Hopeless.


But Your voice calls to me through the darkness.


Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine! Isaiah 43:1


I raise my eyes to the sky and through the fog I can see the promises of another dawn.


Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You. Psalm 139:12


It's still dark but I know that the light is coming.


I am not alone.


He Himself has said, "I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you," so that we may confidently say, "The Lord is my helper, what will man do to me?" Hebrews 13:5b-6


I am not lost.


Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Psalm 119:105


I am not helpless.


My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. Psalm 121:2


I am not hopeless.


My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him. Psalm 62:5


You hold the universe in Your hand. You are transcendent--beyond everything--and yet at the same time You are imminent--infinitely near. You are bigger than the darkness and bigger than all of my doubts and fears. Help me to trust in You. Help me to die to self that I may experience true life in You.


I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me. Galatians 2:20


Amen.